No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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