cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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