Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
