fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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