I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
