Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
