Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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