Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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