if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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