there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
