To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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