Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
