btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize