I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
