Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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