It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Vodka?
Forever.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize