I think i sorta joined a cult last night
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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