Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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