Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
