Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
false alarm, still single
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