she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
