Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
