JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
