I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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