I'm so fucking centered right now
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
