dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
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