Will you blow on my dice?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
