sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
