I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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