There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
