i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
