Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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