well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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