I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
