i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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