sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
