we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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