yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
