they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
