it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
