I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
