She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
