im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
