I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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