dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
