I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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