after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
