Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
