Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
