the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
