Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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