I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
