So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
