Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
