Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
we're so committed to being not committed
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize