3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
