I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
