I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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